A Bereaved Girlfriend Speaks
by Etti Hadad

Shalom,

My name is Etti Hadad.  Try to imagine me a 15 and a half year old, the age I met Almog.  Almog then was 17 and a half, a teenager, a magnificent person, full of power, wisdom and a lot to contribute to others.

Almog and I dated an entire lifetime, which lasted three years.  We were everything one for another.  He was with me in life's little difficulties and I was with him with love and support throughout his whole army service, since three months after our relationship began, Almog was recruited into the army.

I could fill entire pages about our relationship, but what is important for me to emphasize is that they did not fall short by any means than relationships between people in their twenties, thirties and forties.  We were everything to each other.

Now, imagine me 18 and a half years old, a girl in love, a newly recruited soldier, two months in the army, a moment before I lost my carefree life, a moment before my world collapsed.

That Saturday I was home.  After speaking with Almog early in the morning, I went back to sleep upon his request.  What happened in my dream, I understood only later.  In the dream, Almog came to me and suggested with a combination and sadness and authority that we have to part and he asks me to go on with my life, while I of course objected and did not understand.

I was very lucky.  Around 3:30 pm, the Magen David station in Kiriat Malachi  received a phone call in which they were asked to send a doctor together with Ktzin Ha-ir  to notify a certain family of their son's death.  The person who received the call, was the manager of the Magen David station, my father.  When he asked for the destination and they told him, Moshav Shafir, near Kiriat Malachi, he understood that there is a great chance that this is about Almog.  A short inquiry confirmed what he did not want to be confirmed.

My father called my mother, got someone to fill in for him and came home.  My mother tried to break the news to me gently, so she told me Almog's father is ill and needs to be visited.  When I insisted on waiting until the end of Shabbat to visit him, she told me that Almog doesn't feel well.  I insisted on understanding what she meant, and how does she know? – since he is in Lebanon and I've spoken to him only this morning.  Then she told me that he is lightly injured .  I began to understand that it's more than that and I got organized quickly.  With thoughts running through my head,  an inner struggle began, tears dripped from my eyes , but inside I believed that when he sees me , he will get better, so I repeated the following sentence like a mantra :  "As soon as he sees me , he'll get up.  No matter how bad the injury, we will get through it together".

We arrived at Almog's parents house.  I don't remember how.  I entered and saw his mother crying and his brother crying and I didn't realize what had happened.  I only remember the eyes of the Ktzin Ha-ir (the army officer who informs the family of the death of a soldier) looking at me with astonishment and sadness.  From that moment my life changed forever.  My father hugged me and whispered in my ear that Almog was killed.  I fell, I died, but I remained alive.  It took me years to gather the pieces, and I am still gathering.  After a while, people began to come, and then the longest and the shortest week in my life began, the shivah.  I did not believe that this was happening.  Many people came over to comfort me, but I was in my own world, full of pain and love.

Then the unbelievable happened, time began to rush by.  Another day, another month, another year.  More than 8 years have passed and I still don't believe it.  People think that time cures.  This is a lie more painful than the truth.  In any event, during all that time, and especially in the first months, I expected that someone from the army would speak to me and offer me help, anything, and that did not happen.  I was so angry then.  "You took my life and I, and 18 and a half year old, and alone, must face everything alone?"

When I spoke about my good luck, I referred to the fact that I did not learn about Almog's death in terrible ways like other girlfriends whom I know, by a mourning announcement, by the radio or by telephone with someone telling me coldly, "Almog is dead".  I don't know why, but somehow on that day I did not turn on the radio, while for three years , I slept with the radio on , in order to hear any newsflash, to know that everything was all right and then to go back to sleep.  Every other year, out of habit, out of sleep, to hear everything was all right and back to sleep.  And on that day…apparently someone saw to it that I didn't listen to the radio.

I don't know how I continued living without him, how almost ten years have passed from the day we met.  But one day, seven years later, I decided that I had been angry with the system for long enough, I must take my life in my hands.  I decided to set up a support group.  Again, I met a closed door from the army, but this time it did not stop me, and somehow I got the telephone of the Amuta.  It took me a few days to call.  When I did call, the voice which answered me on the other side, was the most wonderful, soothing, strong and loving voice that I heard in my life, the voice of Phyllis Heimowitz, and since then we have connected forever.

When I understood that an Amuta had been established to help the girlfriends of fallen IDF soldiers, girls like me, I was so happy.  "They are thinking about me, I just didn't know."  During the conversation, I understood that support groups are set up from time to time to help the girlfriends who lost their boyfriends in recent months.  Therefore I could not join one of the existing groups.  Phyllis and I decided that I should establish a support group intended for women like me, whose boyfriends were killed years ago.

About half a year after that conversation, with tremendous encouragement and support from the Heimowitz family, the support group was set up and it answers the needs of women like me.  It is true that it is never to late, but why did I have to wait almost ten years to receive this help?

I have come here today to share my story with you for two reasons:  I know that people tend to think that we, the girlfriends, being young girls, will overcome and continue our lives.  I can tell you, that my love for Almog and the fact that he is not alive will accompany me all of my life.  I will never go back to being the innocent Etti, full of confidence in the world.  All my life is knitted up in this story which began when I was 15 and a half.  I wanted to tell you that today there is an Amuta like this, which does holy work, an entire family which has dedicated itself to this purpose, the Heimowitz family, and how important it is.

From my experience in the support group in which I participate, problems, fears and other feelings which I had for years, were solved in seconds.  Since the common factor of all is like mine, I do not have to pretend that everything is all right , and even two hours a week is like all the world.

This is my life which is finally beginning.

 

Etti Hadad