Dear Friend,
I want to share with you a story of utter tragedy and a story of hope. It is
a story of how a few individuals with enormous determination, hard work and
belief in the moral justice of our cause, moved heaven and earth to help
bereaved girlfriends (fiancées) of fallen soldiers of the Israel Defense
Forces (IDF). All of our work is done completely on a volunteer basis.
I. SOME PERSONAL HISTORY
My husband Irwin Heimowitz and I, Phyllis, and 5-month-old son, Dani, who
were all born in the U.S., immigrated to Israel in Oct. 1968. Two daughters
were born in Israel, Tamar and Michal. During our years in Israel we lived
through a few wars, missiles falling on us, innumerable terrorist attacks
and the constant report of soldiers killed during service in the Israel
Defense Forces (IDF), year after year. All of this however, did not prepare
us for the greatest tragedy of our lives which befell our youngest daughter
Michal and us, on Sept. 7, 1997.
On that horrible day, Michal’s fiance, Avi (short for Avraham) Book, was
killed in Lebanon. He was a Lieutenant in a combat unit and served in
Lebanon with his soldiers whom he trained. The Lebanese Hizbullah terrorists
attacked the IDF military post with mortar shells. Avi ran to check if all
of his soldiers were at their posts and had taken cover. A Hizbullah mortar
shell fell right next to him and he was killed. Avi was 22 and 6 days old
when he died - a fine, wonderful, devoted, pure, young Israeli who deeply
loved his country and the Jewish people. In addition to his broken family,
he left behind his beloved Michal, whom he had known since the first grade.
They had been going out together for 2 years and were supposed to announce
their engagement on the Saturday night that his family instead sat Shivah
for him. Michal and Avi were supposed to be married in February, 5 months
later.
II. THE ESTABLISHMENT OF THE FUND (“KEREN” - in Hebrew) FOR EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT FOR GIRLFRIENDS OF FALLEN SOLDIERS OF THE ISRAEL DEFENSE FORCES
After this unbelievable tragedy, we, the family of Michal looked for a way
to help her in her terrible grief and to try to help her to continue to
live. Very soon, we got to know other girls, whose boyfriends were killed in
service in the IDF and were in the same terrible situation as Michal.
We turned to the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) and the Ministry of Defense
(MOD) to establish a Support Group for bereaved girlfriends. Although the
IDF gives a vast amount of help to bereaved families (parents, brothers,
sisters, spouses and children of the dead soldier), because these girls were
not blood relatives of the fallen soldiers and not yet married to them, they
were not eligible for emotional help. However, these young women were in
severe pain, shock and grief, and although they were not yet married to
their fiances, they were like unmarried widows to all intents.
We, the family of Michal decided that we must help these girls. With the
personal advice and moral support of Tzafra Dweik, the head of the
Rehabilitation Division of the Ministry of Defense in the Central Region, we
PRIVATELY established “THE FUND (‘KEREN’ - in Hebrew) FOR THE EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT OF GIRLFRIENDS OF FALLEN SOLDIERS OF THE ISRAEL DEFENSE FORCES”, and
opened a bank account in the name of the Fund. Tamar, Michal’s older sister,
who was also deeply affected by Avi’s death, raised contributions from good,
decent, concerned people in the law office where she did her clerkship, so
that we could pay the professional Support Group leader. We believe that the
bereaved girlfriends should receive emotional help for free, like the
bereaved families.
Two and a half months after Avi was killed, the first Support Group for 10
girlfriends began to meet on Nov. 21, 1997. The Support Group was led by a
trained Clinical Social Worker recommended by the Head of Rehabilitation of
the Ministry of Defense, and paid for by private contributions that Tamar
raised.
III. THE ESTABLISHMENT OF “THE NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION (‘AMUTA’ - in Hebrew)
FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT OF GIRLFRIENDS (FIANCEES) OF FALLEN SOLDIERS OF THE
ISRAEL DEFENSE FORCES”
Tamar and I very quickly realized that there was going to be a need for an
additional Support Group as more and more soldiers were being killed. We
strongly felt and continue to feel that the Israel Defense Forces and the
Ministry of Defense have a moral obligation to the fallen soldiers to
psychologically help their beloved girlfriends, who many would soon have
married. In addition, we felt that the IDF and MOD should help to give
psychological support to these girlfriends, because the parents, brothers
and sisters of the fallen soldier (who do receive psychological help
directly from the IDF) are very much affected by the terrible suffering of
the girlfriends to whom they are tied.
On Feb. 16, 1998, after great efforts, Tamar and I met with Major General
Gideon Shefer, who was the Head of the Manpower Division of the IDF and who
was in command of the entire staff of army personnel that deals with
bereaved families.
We presented our position and requests and Major General Shefer reached a
revolutionary decision. He recognized the need and importance of giving help
to girlfriends of fallen soldiers and decided to recommend that the Ministry
of Defense provide some financial help for the establishment of Support
Groups for them. The financial help was needed to pay the salaries of the
professional Support Group leaders, (clinical social workers with expertise
in bereavement counseling), and for private professional help for a
girlfriend who is in need of extra treatment in addition to her
participation in a Support Group.
This was an enormous achievement, for a new precedent was established in the
IDF. Under General Shefer’s instructions, we were to form an official,
registered “Amuta” - “Non-Profit Organization” - which we did in the unheard
of time of three days, because of the seriousness of the situation.
As mentioned above, all of the work that we do is strictly on a volunteer
basis. Since 1997, we have opened TWELVE SUPPORT GROUPS. There are
approximately ten girlfriends in each group and each group meets every
Friday from ll am to l pm, for a period of about one year. We are
unfortunately soon to open Support Group No. 13. At that time we will have
THREE Support Groups running concurrently.
In addition to our regular work of giving emotional help in the framework of
Support Groups to girlfriends whose boyfriends have just recently fallen, we
opened up a very special Support Group for other bereaved girlfriends who
lost their boyfriends before the “Amuta” was established. Etti Hadad, a
bereaved girlfriend, who lost her beloved boyfriend Almog, who fell while
serving in the IDF in Lebanon in 1993, asked us to open a Support Group for
young women in her situation. When Almog was killed, she had nowhere to turn
for emotional help, and Etti felt that she still needed help with her grief.
Etti found other bereaved girlfriends who lost their boyfriends years ago.
Some had even married, but all felt that they never had professional help
with their mourning and needed it.
On Aug. 30, 2002, I received a phone call from Rina Kahan. She had heard
about the “Amuta”. She called me on her 25th wedding anniversary and said:
"I want to help." Rina lost her beloved boyfriend Tziki in the Yom Kippur
War, He was 22 years old. She married, raised 3 children, but never forgot
the trauma of what it is to be a bereaved girlfriend. The angels in heaven
sent Rina to the “Amuta”.
She works day and night. She is a mover and a doer. Nothing is too hard for
her. She was a very successful business woman , and has brought all of these
skills and her tender, loving heart to the “Amuta”. Her relationships with
the girlfriends cannot even be described. In addition to everything else she
does in the “Amuta”, which is so very much in every single area, Rina took
over the total responsibility of locating the bereaved girlfriends. She
knows every single Ktzin Ha-ir (the army representatives who first inform
the family that their son or daughter has been killed) and she knows every
single ktzinat nifgaim (the female officers who follow the bereaved family
after the notification of the death, forever.) She established these
relationships by hard work and total commitment. There can not be a chance
now that we will miss locating a bereaved girlfriend, because Rina is so
totally dedicated.
So this in short is our story. Unfortunately it is not a story that has an
end because to our great sorrow, soldiers in the IDF continue to fall and
many also leave behind them beloved girlfriends. These girlfriends and
fiancees are so broken and so wounded. We in the “Amuta” feel that we have a
moral obligation to the dead soldiers to take care of the beloved
girlfriends they left behind. We cannot allow the enemies of Israel to
destroy other lives as well. We must help the girlfriend with great love and
professional help to slowly rebuild her shattered life. These girls must go
on. They will never forget the dead soldier. This is not possible and is
indeed wrong to do. However, in time, and with help in healing, we pray they
will go on, marry, raise families and lead full lives.
I will end this letter by telling you what the former Chief Rabbi of Israel,
Yisrael Meir Lau, told Michal during the Shivah. One of Avi's brothers
pointed out Michal to him. He approached her and I happened to be standing
next to her and heard what he said to her in Hebrew. I am translating: "You
simply must build a second home in Israel, when the time comes." Later, I
pondered on his words. This is the task of "The Non-Profit Organization for
Emotional Support of Fiancées of Fallen Soldiers of the Israel Defense
Forces: to help glue the slivers of their broken lives together, to help
them with their grieving, so that they can, alongside of the big scar in
their hearts, which they will carry forever, make place for a new person in
their lives to "build a second home in Israel when the time comes."
Our task is to continue life, for that is what the dead soldiers would want.
That is what Avi would want. Avi was killed on Sept. 7, 1997. On March 5,
2002, Michal married Yigal. On top of the wedding chupah, Michal and Yigal
wrote a quotation from the Bible in memory of Avi. Michal and Yigal are very
happily married and recently turned parents with the birth of a beautiful
baby girl.
There are no words in any language to describe what I feel when I am invited
to a wedding of a girlfriend who has participated in our Support Groups.
A quote from the Talmud: "He who saves one life, it is as if he has saved an
entire world". Life is not just the physical being of a person. It is his
soul as well. We are participating in helping these young women, who would
otherwise have nowhere to turn to for emotional help. A mighty mitzvah. We
owe it to the soldiers of the IDF who sleep in the ground.
Israel is a very hard, tough country. Young men give the highest sacrifice,
their lives, to protect our country. It is up to us, the living, to act now
to rescue the girlfriends from their grief, sorrow and life in hell. Tamar,
Rina and I, through the “Amuta”, have dedicated ourselves to do this.
The yearly financial assistance that the “Amuta” receives from the Ministry
of Defense of the State of Israel, is not sufficient to cover the cost of
the Support Groups we run each year. The “Amuta” expresses its deep
appreciation and love for the Ziv Tzedakah Fund and Hands On Tzedakah. Not
only do they provide us with financial assistance, but they surround us with
warmth, encouragement, trust and a deep belief in the goals of the “Amuta”.
Our gratitude to them knows no bounds.
Phyllis Heimowitz
